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Here is some Police Humor......if you have a good one, send it to
me.
 GREAT THINGS OVERHEARD WHILE ON THE BEAT--
sent to me from Brian
"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
"Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
"Remember, when you gotta cuff 'em.... nobody is your friend."
"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
"That says POLICE, not taxi."
"Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second?" (if you aren't a shooter, that is the average speed of a 9mm projectile (slug)).
"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
"You can't outrun a radio."
"Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I
mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
"Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
"I'd rather have the gear and not need it than need the gear I don't have."
"If it's worth stopping, it's worth writing."
"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"
"Some people are meant to be cops, and some people are meant to call the
cops."
"God made tomorrow for the crooks we don't catch today."
"Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."
"Bulletproof vests aren't."
"Law abiding citizens sleep peacefully in their beds, solely because dedicated men and women stand ready to do violence in their behalf."
"In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
"In God we trust, all others are suspects."
"Just how big were those two beers?"
"Uh....yes, Chief, it only appeared as if I wasn't paying attention to your speech. Actually, you inspired me to meditate on the mission
statement and envision a new
paradigm."
"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
"Law enforcement is not a spectator sport."
"I know, I know, your kid is an honor student at the juvenile detention center."
"I'm glad to hear the chief of police is a good, personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
"You might beat the rap, but you can't beat the ride."
"We don't hire cops in this department, we hire common sense and make cops from it."
"I don't believe they should use the electric chair, they need to use electric bleachers."
"Handcuffs aren't designed for comfort."
"Your arrest. You catch 'em, you clean 'em."
The dead skunk
Do you know the difference between a dead skunk and a dead lawyer in the
middle of the road?
The dead skunk will has skid marks in front of it.
TO THE MOON!
Maybe you have heard this, but it is a true story from Mesa, Az...
Attorney: Officer, how far was the defendant's vehicle in front of you?
Officer: Approximately one-half mile.
Attorney: Can you see clearly for one-half mile?
Officer: Yes.
Attorney: Well Officer, I'm in doubt that can you see clearly an incident
that is occuring one-half mile away. So suppose you tell us all
again just how far you can see!
Officer: Well sir, on a clear night, I can all the way to the moon.
The New Field Sobriety Tests
A man is going down the road, and gets pulled over by a highway patrolman. When he gets up to the car, he tells him that he was speeding.
The man is shocked, but not startled by being pulled over because he is always speeding.
While the highway patrolman is standing there, he sees that the man has 9 huge knives in the back seat.He asks him what they are for, and he tells him that they are for his act,
and he is a juggler.
The patrolman does not believe him, and tells him to prove it. So he gets out of the car, and starts to juggle the knives.
At the same time, 2 men are driving by and witness the two on the side of the road. One of the men looks to the other man and says, "Man, I sure am glad I quit drinking,
those sobriety tests these days are rough!'
TRUE STORIES
WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper
then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank account.
SOME DAYS, IT JUST DOESN'T PAY!
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire prevention alarm system. "This is even worse than last year," said the distraught homeowner, "when someone broke in and stole
my new security system..."
THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small so he tied up
the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
DO-IT-YOURSELF BRAIN SURGERY??
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire protruding from his forehead and calmly
asked officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police were shocked to learn that the man had
drilled a 6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find the missing brain.
DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each
man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot", the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
OUCH, THAT SMARTS!!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber
apparently stuffed the loot down the front of his pants as he was running out the door. "He was seen hopping and jumping around with an explosion
taking place inside his pants," said police spokesman Mike Carey. Police have the man's charred trousers in custody.
NOT THE SHARPEST KNIFE IN THE DRAWER!!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun but unfortunately he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
Whew!!! 
Two members of the Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in
apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to
their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have
been more severe.
The Harrier's target-seeker had locked on to the'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.
Luckily(?) the Harrier was operating unarmed.
I'm fine
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the
trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.
In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you
say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule Bessie into the......."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact
that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that
he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I
believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the
lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded
Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this
huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I
was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was
in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came
on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he
looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came
across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your
mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her - how are you feeling?"
Drake's Laws of Law Enforcement
1. 'Bullet Proof' vests aren't.
2. The bigger they are, the harder they fall. They also punch, kick and choke harder
too.
3. The speed at which you respond to a fight call is inversely proportional to how long
you've been a cop.
4. Tear gas works on cops too, and regardless of wind direction, will always blow back
in your face.
5. High speed chases will always proceed from an area of light traffic to an area of
extremely heavy traffic.
6. If you know someone who tortures animals and wets the bed, he is either a serial
killer or he works for Internal Affairs.
7. Placing a gun back in a shoulder holster with your finger on the trigger will cause
you to walk with a limp.
8. Flash hiders don't really.
9. If you have 'cleared' all the rooms and met no resistance, you and your entry team
have probably kicked in the door of the wrong house.
10. If a cop swings a baton in a fight, he will hit other cops more often than he will
hit the bad guys he swings at.
11. Domestic arguments will always migrate from an area of few available weapons
(living room), to an area with many available weapons (kitchen).
12. If you have just punched out a handcuffed prisoner for spitting at you, you are
about to become a star on 'Eyewitness News'.
13. Bullets work on veteran cops too. They also work on weight lifters, martial arts
experts, department marksmen, Vice cops, S.W.A.T. jocks, and others who consider
themselves immortal.
14. When a civilian sees a blue light approaching at a high rate of speed, he will
always pull into the lane the cop needs to use.
15. If you drive your patrol car to the geometric center of the Gobi Desert, within five
minutes a dumb-ass civilian will pull along side you and ask for directions.
16. You can never drive slow enough to please the citizens who don't need a cop, and you
can never drive fast enough to please the ones who do.
17. Any suspect with a rifle is a better shot than any cop with a pistol.
18. From behind you, the bad guys can see your night sights as well as you can.
19. On any call, there will always be more 'bad guys' than there are good guys, and the
farther away your back-up, the more there will be.
20. The longer you've been a cop, the shorter your flashlight and your temper gets.
21. Whatever you are about to do, if there is a good chance it will get you killed, you
probably shouldn't do it.
22. You should never do a shotgun search of a dark warehouse with a cop whose nickname is
"Boomer".
23. The better you do your job, the more likely you are to be shot >injured,
complained on, sued, investigated, or subpoenaed on your day off.
24. If a large group of drunk bikers is "holed-up" in a house, the Department
will send one officer in a beat car. If there is one biker"holed-up" in a house,
they will send the entire S.W.A.T. Team.
25. Drake was a patrolman
A bad day
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain." "Just be
quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until
the chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say,..." "And I
said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on
his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered
the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
These are 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.
1. Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
2. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
6. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
7. Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school
for it.
9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
11. Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know
about it until the next morning?
12. Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
15. Q: Did he kill you?
16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
20. Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
24. Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
25. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent
to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
26. Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
28. Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
30. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Monkey Business
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been
killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and
hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish
you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down.
"You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook
his head up and down. "Well, did you see this?" "Yes," motioned
the monkey. "What happened?" The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and
turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer.
"Yes." "What else?" The monkey pinched his fingers together and held
them to his mouth. "They were smoking marijuana?" "Yes." "Now
wait, you're saying your owners were drinking and smoking before they wrecked."
"Yes." "What were you doing during all this?" "Driving"
motioned the monkey.
Things Not to Say to a Cop When You're Pulled Over...
I only had one officer Mr. Keg..
Back off Barney, I've got a piece.
Want to race to the station, Sparky?
I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout!
On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack.
You'll never get those cuffs on me..!
Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen?
I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a
minute?
Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job!
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer.
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
"Bad Cop! No Donut!"
I was trying to keep up with traffic.
You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "COPS" last week on TV?
I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket
So, uh, you "on the take", or what?
Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
Aren't you one of the Village People?
Designated Decoy!
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing
time as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously
inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few
minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his
own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes as the other patrons left. He turned his
lights on, then off, wipers on then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then
stopped. Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to
drive away. The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the
man over. He administered the Breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise the man blew a
0.00! The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed
the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated
Decoy!"
The Alabama Trooper
Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The
trooper walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick. As the driver rolls down the
window, the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver says, "Why'd you do that?
The trooper drawls, "You're in Alabama, son. When I pull you over you'll have your
license ready."
The driver rubs his head and says, "I'm sorry, officer. I'm not from around
here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy his
license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on that window. The passenger
rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.
The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."
"Huh?" says the passenger.
The cop replies, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that
jerk would've tried that crap with me.'"
Moses
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for
valuables, and when he pick up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange disembodied
voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching YOU."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze. When he heard
nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next
big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as
he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,clear as a bell, he heard "Jesus
is watching You."
Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the
voice. Finally in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who are you?"
"Moses," replied the parrot. "Moses?" the burglar laughed,
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller Jesus,"
Top 10 Police Comeback Lines
1. I'm sorry Ma'am, but with the unlicensed gun in your purse plus the DWI, you ARE a real
criminal.
2. Hey John, get out of the cruiser and come over here to say "Thank You". We
stopped the guy who pays OUR salary!
3. Yeah, I do have bank robbers to catch, but that might be dangerous, so I'm going to
play it safe and write you this ticket.
4. Hurry it up? Sure, I'll just go back to the cruiser and write the citation. Do you have
food and water in the car? This shouldn't take more than six hours.
5. Do you know why I stopped you, or do you THINK like you Drive?
6. What do you mean I won't believe you? Just because you've got three kilos of Smack and
two bodies in the trunk doesn't mean there isn't a perfectly reasonable explanation.
7. No, you've got that WRONG. I'm even TOUGHER without the badge and gun.
8. Of course you didn't DO it. You just happened to start your wind sprints in front of
the department store, the VCR is Extra weight, and the security guards were providing
MOTIVATION.
9. She STARTED it? That's the best you can do? My four-year-old does better than that when
I ask why his sister is crying.
10. HAVE A NICE DAY.
"TRUE LOVE"
A man and his wife were driving on the highway when a state policeman appears in their
mirror and obviously wants them to pull over. The man pulls over and the officer
approaches the car.
State cop: " License and registration please"
Man:" I'm sorry officer what seems to be the problem?"
State cop : " I clocked you on the radar going 75 mph."
Man: "There must be some mistake I was only going 65."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you were going at least 80!"
State cop: " I'm also citing you for having a tail light out."
Man: "But officer, I wasn't aware it was out."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you knew it was out for two months."
State cop: "I'm also fining you for not wearing your seat belt."
Man: "But officer, I just took it off as you were approaching my car."
Wife: "Oh Harold, you know you never wear your seat belt."
Man: "Listen you dumb %^?!* shut your *^&%# mouth."
State cop: " Ma'am, does he always talk to you this way?"
Wife: " Only when he's drunk"
Defense attorney
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial--it went
like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender
running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your
fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer--do you have a locker room in the
police station--a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find
it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense
attorneys have been known to walk through that room.
Have you got a good police joke? Questions or comments..........Email me.
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